Category Archives: SHAKTI Girls “Coming of Age”

I am Not a Single Mother!

Aligning with the Feminine...-2The term Single parent is much more accurate but still doesn’t truly reflect the situation of having to be both Mother and Father, sometimes simultaneously, (is that even possible), as I try and raise a child on my own. I am in this constant juggle of wanting to be in my natural femininity of loving and nurturing and being gently aware and connected, which comes up against the other needs of discipline, setting up chore lists and policing them, as well as needing to be on top of my own and my child’s time management, as well as creating and keeping to a schedule, whilst holding space for her emotions, to be the provider emotionally, physically and financially, and all whilst encouraging her beauty and growing maturity and still trying to find time to actually just be me, whatever that is, in this confusing and overwhelming mish mash of ever changing roles and transitions between my own masculine and feminine nature.

“As a single parent I am constantly having to be both…so maybe I am a Fother, or a Mather…there’s got to be a better word!”

To clarify, for me Mothering means being in my feminine (whatever that means to me) and Fathering means to be in my masculine (whatever that means to me)…masculine and feminine are fluid terms for many people.

For some single parents this may not be a bother, however for me, with my Libra Moon and with Libra Rising, I am ALL about the balance and harmony within and without. Couple this with my Leo need to be authentic and in integrity with how and who I am in the world and it can be a crazy making situation! I am all about finding harmony in my relationships, my relationship with self, with life and with others, so I can’t even begin to succinctly describe how hard this balance is to maintain for myself, when I am almost forced to be something I am not, so frequently, within my days, every day, day after day, after day…this is the thing I think people don’t understand when they think about single mothers…

They don’t think about whether we actually ever signed up to a be a father, they don’t think about how much of the time we are required to be something that WE ARE NOT and that we often times become so used to being stuck in this enforced role, this something else, that we forget who we truly are. They don’t think about whether we actually get to be fully juicy, surrendered, open, nourishing and loving women anymore, because who is holding space for that to happen, when we are always holding space for another? And lets not even start on when society does see single mothers as being juicy, open and loving women, the shaming that occurs can be deafening!

I have had enough of being in my masculine and I know I have said this before, but really in this Yang valuing society, it takes constant mindfulness to not just drop into the masculine way of doing things by default…so I am even more eager to gain more clarity on all of the ways that I can quickly and deeply bring myself back into my feminine way of being, for my own health and well-being and so that I can be the role model I actually want to be for my daughter…

So that has forced me to re-evaluate my current list of Yin creating experiences and whether they are working for me or not…this list includes reading fictional books, dancing around like a crazy person to my favourite music, meditating more and creating space to be in my creative flow, without distractions, more often!

I have even had the delight of re-visiting my EMPOWERING the Feminine online course, as well as my free “How to Fill Your Cup” mini immersion and its been quite a relief to realise I’ve done so much of the work already, now it really is just finding ways to remind myself regularly, of what I already know…I would also love to hear about the wicked, wonderful and creative ways you all find to come back into your feminine alignment in the midst of this over-achieving society and our many responsibilities…please share!

Send you all Lots of Love, Beauty and Wildness on this crazy ride we call Life!

 

 Shekinah Leigh
“Honouring the Feminine”

 

P.S. If you are really ready for some deeper work in clearing out and re-aligning with your feminine being take a look at this… 

 

How we are trained to keep our kids from inconveniencing the world…


How ingrained is it, for women, for mothers, to feel a massive responsibility to the rest of society to make sure their kids aren’t an inconvenience for anyone else?

How much pressure is there every time we go out, every time we want to leave the sanctity of the home space and venture out around other humans? 

I know as a first time mother, having a baby that was unsettled and cried loudly, meant that I felt I should stay at home, in isolation, because I felt and it was quite obvious to me, by the reactions of those around me, that my baby and I were not welcome in society, if she was going to be loud or uncontrollable IN ANY WAY…fast forward a few years to a free-spirited, strong-willed and highly energetic toddler and still I felt forced to spend so much time at home because I didn’t always have the energy to keep up with her, or police her every move, so that others weren’t feeling compromised in their own experiences.

Fast forward a few more years and even though my daughter is mature and learning her own ways to be unique whilst still fitting in, there are parents who want to judge her (and me) for hurting their kids feelings once, or twice, with no thought mind you, to how many times their child may have hurt my daughters feelings over the years and so still I am held responsible for my child’s actions.

This whole energetic became quite apparent the other night, as we were running our Mother & Daughter Sound Healing. For most of the girls it was a relatively new experience, so even though we made sure they were super comfy and could lie down for the allotted period of time, there was still a lot of shuffling and movement and other distracting kid noises coming from their side of the room during the sound.

Now, all of the mums had been to a sound healing before, they new the space and the experience they were looking for, hoping to drop into that journey of sound and meditation as they were carried along with the music…

Of course this didn’t happen with all of the distraction going on from the girls and almost every parent, once the sound healing was over, had felt some form of frustration

  1. That they didn’t get the experience they hoped for, for themselves
  2. That their children couldn’t stay still/quite for most of the allotted period of time
  3. And worry whether the noise of their children had impacted on other peoples experience in the space

It was very powerful for me, to witness these parents, including myself, go through frustration at not being able to verbally control their child’s behaviour, therefore having to put up with it and most times, finally surrender to what was happening, whilst still looking for the joyful experience in what was occurring, after finally letting go of what had been wished for…maybe after several attempts!

I don’t know about you, but for me this is the story of much of my parentingfrustration that I am not getting the experience my inner being and outer being are hoping for within my own life, worry that my child’s disobedience, noise, wildness, uniqueness, or general childlike behaviour is inconveniencing or ruining someone else’s experience as well and then feeling fully responsible for mine, my child’s and all of the others peoples feelings, as I try to find the best way to ‘manage’ any given situation for the well-being of all.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have totally been places where parents have let their children be distracting and noisy when it felt completely inappropriate and I have wished they would parent them better, yes there are places where we need to respect the space that is being created for others and if this had of been a general public sound healing than this behaviour would have been inappropriate, probably…

However I remember going to an event where a group of Indigenous Australians were doing the opening ceremony. They had small children as a part of the dance performance and these kids sometimes were not doing what everyone else was doing and yet no-one redirected them, no-one tried to control their behaviour, they were just allowed to be there, in it, experiencing it in their own way, without being forced to be responsible, or fit in…they didn’t get in trouble in any way for not following what everyone else was doing and it was beautiful and liberating to watch!

How often do we do this with our kids? How often do we just let them participate without trying to make them do it right?

I just know that as a parent, especially a single parent who has no-one else to tag team with, that as the mother and the father, I have missed out on so many things because I knew I couldn’t guarantee my child’s behaviour would suit the space and to save embarrassment, frustration and possible overwhelm, I just haven’t attended.

So now let me ask you this, how many of you have been to a sound healing, or meditation and the person next to you has fallen asleep and is snoring loudly? Did anyone have words to them about how inappropriate, distracting or rude it was to the other participants? Or did everyone need to just deal with it and take it as an opportunity to find the quiet and centred space within, even when the conditions weren’t ideal? It is interesting how we can hold children (and therefore mothers) up to a more strict code of conduct than we do other adults in our society…. why do you think we do this, I’d love to know?

So I want to take this opportunity to thank all of the mothers present at our sound healing for not only going through all of the emotions, but also sharing the experience they went through, whether it seemed good, or bad. I honour each of them for going through their own process of constant surrender and let go, as custodian of their children/s behaviour, it’s a big job, a constant job and a fine line to walk between allowing our children to grow up free, unique and in touch with their naturalness, whist making sure that they conform enough that we can actually mix with the rest of society when we desire to do so… 

So to all of the mums out there, feeling the constant burden of responsibility, those who are walking the fine line between us/them and everyone else, I applaud your efforts every day, I get it, I feel it, I know it and I see you in the struggle. You are doing beautifully!

I will throw a little challenge out to you today though, and it is, why not, just once, as an experiment, the next time you are about to admonish, or re-direct, or feel the need to control a behaviour that your child is displaying in front of others, because you think it may not be appropriate, just stop yourself and observe what happens. Witness yourself letting go, witness your child in their flow, let it run its course and see where it leads, the chances are it won’t lead to anything near as bad as you fear and maybe, just maybe, you can take the pressure off yourself and stop doing the emotional and behavioural labour for yourself and your kids and perhaps within that new space you create, you can find more peace and ease in your every day life….

Loving you all so much

Shekinah xx

P.S. I will be running some juicy women’s events this year in the SHE Temple, so that we can all come together and discover new ways of self-nourishing and support as we traverse this crazy world together! Signup here to stay in the loop…

Stop Dobbing and Handle it Yourself!

IMG_2594What age do you think kids should stop ‘dobbing’ and handle it themselves?

I’ve had a few experiences lately where my daughter has come home from school and told me how some of her friends were dobbing on her other friends for various reasons. One was because they found out one of their ‘friends’ was wearing makeup, when they weren’t supposed to at school. Another time was when a letter was handed to some girls, explaining how some of the other girls feelings were being hurt and that they weren’t sure they could keep being friends because of it, this letter was handed to a teacher.

For me, I think Grade 6 is too old for boys or girls to be dobbing on their friends and peers, unless there is an extreme health or safety issue present. To me, this dobbing is handing over their power to an outside authority instead of taking an opportunity to learn the skills they need to, to communicate effectively, problem solve and compassionately find resolutions amongst themselves.

From what I can see, this dobbing has been creating separation and I wonder if this is the age where girls are being conditioned to start policing each other’s choices, like what clothes they wear, how they do their hair, or how they express themselves. Just at the age when girls are wanting to explore who they are and what they like, separate from their families and friends, their peers are forcing them to conform or suppress parts of themselves that they are ready to share with the world, or suffer the consequences of unnecessary intervention and/or punishment by teachers or parents.

“I may be different from many parents but I’m NOT a strong believer in schools telling girls what they can or can’t do with their bodies”

From piercings, to hair ties, to makeup, as far as I am concerned a person has the right to choose how they want to look and not have to conform to societies limited standards. To me, this is the age where we should be teaching girls how to have complete autonomy over their bodies, so that they know they are in charge of what happens to it and when and how.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for discussing things in depth with my daughter, supporting her needs, challenging some of her choices and reframing some of the stories that she may have running about herself, other people and situations. However more and more I need to trust in her growing maturity to make the right choices for herself. I don’t want to be choosing her friends, or culling people I think I don’t like because of some random school story she brings home. I don’t need to get involved in school dramas that die down almost as soon as they flare up. I don’t want to be judging other girls who are learning and maturing and dealing with hormones on top of all that. I don’t want to be judging other mothers because their children may be expressing inappropriately as they find the right way forward for themselves.

This is such an extreme learning time for my girl, as she tries to leave behind a childish way of interacting and relating with others and yet doesn’t quite yet have the capacity to maintain maturity in the face of the many triggers and issues that arise. I’m 40 years old and even I don’t always have the maturity I would like, to deal with every situation that comes to me and so we both practice compassion as we weave this new picture in my daughters coming of age…

What do you think?

☾Shekinah Leigh ~ Honouring the Feminine
Mentoring Girls and Young women
“Sacred Feminine Practitioner”

Raising a Girl Child

There’s s310856_318571271489865_790236711_no much to instill in girls to help them grow into independent, happy, grounded and well-adjusted women.

Something I am working with at the moment is allowing my daughter to make her own choices around the clothes she wears, what kind of jewelry, if any, she likes to wear and supporting her to choose her own hair style, with or without accessories.

I do my best to approach her well thought out choices, with an attitude of acceptance. I believe it’s vitally important that girls, from a young age, learn how to make choices over their own bodies. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to have her personal appearance choices, ridiculed or denied, because of another person’s personal preferences or belief systems.

“I want to raise a daughter, that feels like she can say “NO”, when someone is trying to make her do something, to her body, that she doesn’t like…”

I want her to be able to stand up strong for herself if someone, at any age, is trying to force her to look a certain way. I am raising a child, who hopefully, won’t get too snowed under by peer pressure as she gets older, who won’t regret her first sexual experiences because she didn’t think she was allowed to say “NO” to something she didn’t like, or wasn’t ready for.

Letting her choose her clothes, her hair, whether she wants her ears pierced or not, may seem like unimportant things for a 7yo, but for me they are providing a vital foundation for her future as a self empowered teenager and woman. One who knows who she is, understands what she likes and DOESN’T REQUIRE APPROVAL from others, especially from men or boys, to feel validated and worthy.

I hope my girl is beginning to realise that how she looks is only her business, that she is beautiful regardless of what is happening on the outside and that her family and friends will love & respect her, no matter what she wears on her body, in her hair or anywhere….

In Beauty

Shekinah Leigh

P.S. I run regular SHAKTI Girls Circles, to support Girls & Young Women throughout their ‘coming of age’…