For the last few weeks I have hardly had downtime and that’s been absolutely fine, I’ve been reveling in it! Back in full swing with bodywork treatments again (which I’m loving), copious amounts of food prep (which I’m not really loving), lots of creative work on the computer, study, gardening, admin work for friends and more adventures and connection with my girl….even when my energy dropped though, I kept up the fast pace, my mind already used to the high drive again and my expectations on myself, once more, reaching epic proportions, as I unknowingly tried to meet the unrealistic portrayals that I’ve laid on myself, after being subjected to decades of messages, that mainstream society have given me, about being a good woman and a successful mother.
You’d think someone like me wouldn’t take on public opinion, I mean I know better, I teach the opposite and yet the constant insidious messages still have a quiet psychological impact. At face value I argue whole heartedly that it takes a village to raise a child and yet inside, it seems that I still believe I should be superwoman, capable of all things at all times, especially mothering. That coupled with my Leo passion and my Libran need for love, beauty, peace and harmony can quickly set me up for a breakdown…my Leo pride constantly convinces me that I can do it all on my own and quite often I can and most of my life I have and yet….
…and yet, the reality is that raising a child by myself, running a business, juggling finances, meeting my family’s needs daily and taking care of my health are actually more than a one woman job. Sometimes I need someone/s to lean on, not just close friends and family to speak to, but people to reach out to for help when I need it, perhaps even before I need it, but definitely not after I need it! I am slowly learning that asking for help does not mean that I’m a failure (oooo that’s a hard one). That letting people know that I’m feeling overwhelmed or that I’m not 100% coping with everything on my plate, isn’t a sign of weakness, but actually an opportunity to deepen connections and create community. That letting go of my Leo pride, can be incredibly humbling and as one friend put it, being humble can be a good thing….
So I get to peel back another layer of what it means to be me, with all my hidden (and not so hidden) expectations, with all of my strength and bravado, with all of my love and beauty. It’s been one hell of a ride these last few years and I am getting much better at meeting myself in these uncomfortable places, as I learn some pretty important life lessons on what it actually means, to be a part of loving and supportive community.
I have to keep telling myself – just let it in, just let people help, feel the love, embrace it, be thankful for it, enjoy it, bathe in the ease of it, know that I deserve it, just because I’m me, not because I had to do something specific to earn it. I know right?! Groundbreaking stuff for a hardcore introverted Leo Woman!
So yesterday I broke. I was given an opportunity to reach out for help, and not just the short-term quick fix kinda stuff, but the long term, we’ve got your back for as long as it takes sorta thing. Every time I reached out it did bring more humbleness and I won’t lie and say that it was a nice feeling for me, but at least now I have a name for that awkward sensation and I have a new idea of what that could actually feel like instead. Not shame, judgement or failure, but vulnerability, openness, surrender and a trust in the goodness of people….an allowance that I don’t have to have all of the solutions, all of the time.
So here’s to the life lessons, the pleasant and not so pleasant. I am grateful to be constantly learning and evolving, as slow and painful as the process may be at times.
So much love