As a marriage celebrant I believe that personalised vows add a unique element to every ceremony. The words you share from your heart will bring even deeper meaning to your special day and will help to set the container for how you wish your marriage to be, as you step into this next chapter together. Your heartfelt words bring more authenticity and intimacy to the moment, and they are a valuable part of any ceremony.
If you are getting legally married there will be ‘minimum vows’ that must be said. You may like to add a few sentences onto the end of these legal vows or, you might prefer to write something longer that stands alone and can be slotted into your ceremony at a different place. If you are including other rituals, like a sand ceremony, or handfasting, there may be an ideal placement for this exchange. Your marriage celebrant should be able to find the perfect timing within your ceremony so that it makes the most impact on the day.
Your Legal Vows will look something like this: “I call upon the persons here present to witness that I _________ take thee, ___________ to be my lawful wedded wife/husband/spouse.”
“Treat it like a mini love letter!”
Many people struggle with finding the right words to say at their wedding. However there really is no right or wrong way. Personalised vows can be short, or long, funny, or romantic. What is important is that they are a true reflection of what you feel for your partner, the love you have for them, and why the relationship is so important to you. You may like to add promises, or special intentions that resonate for you and align to the values of your relationship goals. It really is up to you.
For those who are facing difficulties here are a few suggestions that could make it easier for you.
• Speak about how you felt the first time you met
• Give a humorous account of your partners quirks that you love and cherish
• Say I love you
• Share a personal story about how you knew they were the one
• Explain that you will be there no matter what
• Make real promises to one another
• Acknowledge your friends and family as supporters of your marriage through the challenges and triumphs
• Only include the most important details of the story
• Don’t worry about being corny, cliches exist for a reason, if they capture what’s in your heart, use them!
• Treat it like a mini love letter
Before you begin have a conversation with your partner about the length and style of the personalised vows you are both writing, this can help to balance expectations on the day. It certainly doesn’t matter if one of you says more than the other, especially if you already have an understanding of this beforehand. Some partners have lots to say, and some only a little. But regardless of how many words you speak, it’s what those words mean and the energy that they carry that matters most.
Finding the perfect balance between romantic and humorous can feel hard, but know that on the day, it will be about more than the words you share. It will be how you share them, even the simplest words can hold the deepest meaning when said with love and commitment in a sacred moment.
I encourage you not to leave your vow writing until the last minute. It can be helpful to jot down notes as thoughts or feelings come to you, so that you have something to work with when you do sit down to put pen to paper. Writing down what you love about your partner and the relationship in a ‘brain dump’ can be a great way to begin. This takes the pressure off getting it perfect straight away, take some time to feel into what it all means for you.
Don’t overthink it! 3 drafts is usually the magic number. If you are still having challenges, reach out to your marriage celebrant or a trusted loved one to take a look at what you have written and help you get clear on the message you are wanting to share with your beloved.
It is important to practice reading out what you have written before the day, this will make the process so much easier when you are in front of other people. Especially for introverts or those who feel uncomfortable in the spotlight. Speaking clearly and confidently can make all the difference in how your vows are received as well. You may even ask a trusted friend to listen and give feedback if this feels right for you.
Once you’ve got your final copy, make sure it is written or printed out in an easy-to-read format. Post it notes and multiple pieces of paper can be hard to manage on the day, especially if you are outdoors and it’s windy. Make it as easy for yourself as possible and make sure you keep them in a safe place, you may even give them to a trusted friend to care for on the day!
If words just aren’t your thing and this all feels too hard, I invite you to do an internet search to find examples that may get you inspired. Don’t use what you find verbatim, make sure to chop and change, inserting your own words, so that it is a genuine reflection of your love.
I wish you the best of luck and remember, sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it. I hope you have the most magical wedding day possible!
Shekinah Leigh
Civil Marriage Celebrant * Shamanic Practitioner * Ceremonial Guide
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